Okay, I’ve been quiet long enough, and seriously, I don’t give a damn who I offend with this, or what writers I may anger… WWE, your product sucks! You literally have to be either 14 and under, or a complete idiot to enjoy that visual diarrhea you call “sports entertainment”.
Going into the 2013 Royal Rumble, it was no secret WWE had caught a bad case of the dropsies with their previous pay-per-views, not to mention Raw and Smackdown… but this PPV had a different feel to it. The TV Momentum had picked up, even though the product didn’t… that was mainly due to Dwayne “The Actor” Johnson’s return to TV (notice I didn’t say ring). With a feud brewing up between The Rock and current WWE Champion (at the time) CM Punk, a man who eventually held the title for 434 days, you couldn’t help but to ignore all the bad skits and matches in hopes that this match was “the one.” Add in the Royal Rumble Tournament and this pay-per-view looked like it also was the one!
Starting Off On The Wrong Foot
Before the actual pay-per-view even started, WWE already started off on a sour note. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that The Miz vs. Cesaro match wasn’t much to think about, but did serve a purpose. It was the one WWE YouTube match to jump-start the Royal Rumble PPV. Ordinarily, I’m cheering on the heel all the way, but they currently are trying to get this new concept of using their YouTube account to get fans interested in ordering the PPV, and what better way to tell the WWE Universe that this pay-per-view would be special, than to have a title change hands during their give-away match? Apparently they didn’t take the business end into account, and fumble one occurred.
Royal Rumble PPV
One of the main reasons WWE has gotten worse and worse in my opinion is their grade school humor. It started off in early 2012 with fart jokes aimed at one of their more talented female wrestlers, Natalya Neidhart, and more recently has been the curse bestowed on the resident monster, Kane, and quite possibly the best actual wrestler on the entire WWE roster, Daniel Bryan, with this corny ass “anger management” marriage known as Team Hell No. WWE may have these two hugging in the ring, and fans hugging in the crowd, but the truth is, this entire angle is hugging a set of nuts if you know what I mean. Then there’s another team made from sophomoric humor, only this team actually found a way to make it work, and work well- That team, Rhodes Scholars, and how they managed to pull it off, who knows? But they do.
This was the perfect opportunity to put the tag team titles on a team that can entertain, no matter how horrible the writing is, and to split up a duo that couldn’t be entertaining if their lives depended on it, all in one shot… but, again, WWE fumbles in a big way, and puts over the wrong team. At least the grand-kids are happy, Vince!
What About The MITB Winner Finally Cashing In?
In what was one of the more entertaining matches of the evening, and also most predictable, Alberto Del Rio retains the title he recently won on Raw a few weeks ago, against former World Heavyweight Champion, Big Show to retain the title. That, we all felt made sense I’m sure… but this match could have been the perfect opportunity for current Money In The Bank winner, Dolph Ziggler to finally cash in the briefcase and win his first WWE World Heavyweight Championship… but, as we’ve grown a custom to, another fumble occurred.
Let’s Get Ready To Royal Rumble!
It’s finally time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for, The Royal Rumble Tournament, and this one is guaranteed to shock the world. Sure, the expectations are John Cena will win and go on to main-event Wrestlemania, again! Sure, if he doesn’t win, it’ll be Bill Ryberg, I mean Ryback… but this is where the swerve on the fans will finally take place and WWE will set themselves up for quite possibly the biggest, and most relevant main event in the history of Wrestlemania since Hulk Hogan faced Andre the Giant in WM3! That’s right, the thirtieth wrestler to draw in the Royal Rumble Tournament, The Undertaker! Wait, what the hell? Ryback? That’s too obvious, what next? Oh, what a shock, the final two participants are Ryback and Cena, and Cena wins, again! Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather see Cena then Ryberg, but I’d rather not see either. This ruins my big plan, or does it? There’s still a chance if….. who am I kidding? The main event is just as predictable, if not more predictable, than the Rumble tourney was, or maybe that’s what they want us to think…
Main Event Time
Finally, The Rock, has come back, to Phoenix! Only this time as Dwayne “The Actor” Johnson, aka The Rock… in by far the best match of the night. The in ring work of CM Punk was second to none, and yes, even the artist formerly known as The Rock looked to be back to rare form. This match was enjoyable, even when the broadcast table broke too soon and noticeably hurt Dwayne’s knee. Then the lights went out and next thing we know, The Rock is knocked out cold, and CM Punk covers Rock for the win, and retains the title.
Could this be? Is the WWE really going to set up for a meaningful match at Wrestle Mania 29? Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means necessarily an Undertaker fan, but the thought of a ‘Mania main event pitting Streak vs. Streak has a sense of intrigue you rarely find in a lifetime, and the WWE had it right there on a silver platter- The Undertaker’s Wrestle Mania win-streak vs. CM Punk’s WWE Championship win-streak that started back in 2011…
Wait, whose music is that? Why is Vince McMahon coming out? He said if he sees The Shield interfere he will strip CM Punk of the title, but it was dark, he didn’t see a damn thing! Restart the match? Damn you WWE, this never ends well for the heel…
And it didn’t this time either, as Dwayne “The Actor” Johnson, aka The Rock, is now the WWE Champion, ruining any significant chance of a Streak Match, and pretty much guaranteeing a Wrestlemania rematch between Rock & Cena. Yeah. Fun. I mean, FUMMMMBLE!
Before I go on my final thoughts, let me just say that I apologize for not writing a column in such a long time, I’ll try to be better at this in the future.
It wasn’t all bad tonight, as WWE got one thing right when they cancelled the Diva’s title match, sparing us another horrible match between two models who have no business in a wrestling ring to start with, so thank you for that at least. Regardless, the overall grade was still an F for Fumble! That’s right WWE, you dropped the ball in every match, way to be ‘You‘.
Who here is also hoping for a feud between Golddust and Cody Rhodes in the near future, and is it just me, or do Alberto Del Rio & The Miz make the worst baby faces?
Thank you all for reading this edition of Ask Your RoleModel, here on Smartasses. Be sure to join me every Sunday at 6 PM ET (3 PM PT) for Pro Wrestling Weekend for all your latest pro wrestling news, views & interviews.